tomorrow is the day

tomorrow i leave for the weekend for an adoptive moms retreat. i am really looking forward to it. uninterrupted time for me. this is not often available to moms.

i was just telling philip how weird it will be to be away from jesse overnight. this is the first time. i know it will be good and i will enjoy it but i know i will miss him too. even at home i will wake up in the middle of the night and want to go get him and hug him. he is so precious to us.

but the time away is something i really need. i have been feeling a little overwhelmed and tired in my spirit and my head. a lot has happened in our life in the last few months and i need some time to process and just chill.

so i want to make the most of my time this weekend. what an amazing time, spending time with 30 other adoptive moms - telling our stories, relaxing, and knowing God cares and has a plan for our families.

i almost missed it

i was getting ready to call it a night and i realized i hadn't blogged. i have just minutes before it is tomorrow and i wanted to blog everyday. so i just squeaked in.

today was my nephew jude's birthday. he turned 2. he and jesse are just 4 weeks apart. every time i think about that i just feel so blessed and grateful to God for His love and grace to me.

i have wanted to have children for as long as i can remember. philip and i have been unable to have biological children. adoption has been something we have talked about for a long time. the timing just never seemed right. but about 3 years ago we found out about adoption ministry. we went thru the process of getting ready to adopt - classes, homestudy, etc. we were ready but it didn't happen.

my sister got pregnant and i was so happy for her and for our family. but in my head and my heart, i was wishing that i could have a baby first. so i really had to trust God and give it all to Him.

my sister was due around the end of april. it just didn't seem like i was going to have my baby first. but in january, my mom called me and said, "i think there may be baby for you. a little boy due in april."

long story short, God heard my cry and He answered me. my beautiful baby boy was born april 1st, 2007. and my beautiful nephew was born april 29, 2007.

i talked to melissa later and told her about wanting to have a baby first and praying for it. she looked at me and said, "i was praying the same thing."

i am so thankful to God for jesse and jude and for the fact that they are so close and will grow up together. God truly does care about the cry of our hearts.

first time away

this weekend i am going on an adoptive moms retreat. i am really looking forward to the time with other adoptive moms - two of them are a some of my best friends. i haven't been to this annual retreat before so i'm not really sure what to expect. but time with other moms and just some time to chill out sounds great.

this will be the first time i will be away from jesse overnight. i know that i will miss him like crazy. we hang out every day, all day. and even on the rough days, i love my time with him. but i know that this time away will refresh me and help me be a better mom to him. i think i need a refill on my patience tank.

how does he remember these things?

it is so incredible to me the things that jesse remembers and keeps in his head.

today he was having mac&cheese and cucumbers for lunch. he was chowing down on the mac&cheese then took a bite of the cucumber. he looked at me and said "happy birthday."

i couldn't believe it. the first time he ate cucumber was at his birthday party. how did he remember that?

gardening

i have decided to do some gardening this year. (even though my sister and i are still trying to overcome the terrible memories of having to weed for hours on end in the blazing sun as children. just kidding, mom and dad.)

so i have started my plants inside since the winter seems to be dragging on a bit this year. i am probably a little ambitious but i have quite a few different things i've decided to grow. philip has built me a planter box and may have to build another if all the plants choose to sprout.

i have planted lemon cucumbers, pear tomatoes, ground cherries, bok choy, regular tomatoes, spaghetti squash, patty pans, some herbs, pumpkins, and watermelon.

i looked at my plantings today and i have signs of life. my cucumbers, ground cherries, and bok choy have lifted their heads above the dirt. now i just need to keep them alive till it stops frosting. hopefully, that will be soon.

it is so cool to see these plants break thru the soil and show their lovely greenness. can't wait to get them in the ground and watch them get bigger and then taste their fruit. i will keep you up to date on their progress.

some thinking going on

i have been doing a lot of thinking today and have come to the conclusion that while my life is good and i am really happy with my life, i am not happy with parts of me in my life.

so i have a plan to change that. it isn't a concrete, make it happen now, change everything in one fell swoop kind of plan. but a plan none the less.

this blog is part of the plan. it is a working on discipline part of the plan. also, a being honest, getting things off my chest part of the plan. i'm not going to be airing dirty laundry or talking about how other people wronged me. i want to use this to work thru things in my head and heart.

anyways, just a note to say "further up and further in" in my life.

not sleeping well

i have always had a problem with insomnia - sometimes it is worse than others. a lot of the time i have a hard time falling asleep - i have been known to lay awake for hours. but recently i have been waking up several times during the night and then having a hard time getting back to sleep. it is so frustrating.

anyways, the other night i slept thru the night. you would think that i would be excited about it. but i wasn't. all night i dreamt of being asleep and waking up. every one of my dreams was like that. grrrrr! it was sooooooooo frustrating.

well, that is my post for the day. hopefully, a full night's sleep and no waking dreams.

not much to say again today

i really don't have a lot to say today. but i have been thinking about how blessed i am. i have an amazing family - great husband who loves me in spite of me, a lovely little boy who lights up when he sees his mommy, wonderful parents who are my friends as well as my parents, a sister and family who are some of my favorite people and first choice of people to spend time with. i am so thankful for my family.

loooooong day

i think today's blog will be a short one. i spent the day with ..... dah dah dahdah! whiner boy! jesse is lovely but there are days when he seems to be unable to just simply ask for things. when he asks for cheese, it is not "cheese, please." it becomes "cheeeeeeeeessssssse" with the hidden subtext "i will die if i do not receive said cheese right this second." imagine "cheese" but in a high-pitched, extremely drawn out pronunciation. not pleasant after the first hour. i am glad to say that we made it thru the day though. ahhhhh! 8 o'clock is bedtime. tomorrow is another day.

another quick jesse story

my dad, aka papa, has created a monster. when we were in bend for easter, papa took jesse for a walk. on this walk they talked of many things - secret things between a papa and a grandson. but one thing they talked about and learned was picking flowers for mommy.

it was so cute. jesse came back with some beautiful pansies for me.

but now he is a flower picking fiend. it is great because i get lots of flowers. at the moment the only flowers in our yard are dandelions. so i get the lovely yellow flowers and he gets the lovely yellow hands.

i am so amazed how quickly he learns and how much he remembers. with the flowers it's not like my daddy spent hours talking and showing him how to find the flowers, pick them, and bring them to me. it was once or twice but jesse remembers it and he remembers it was papa who taught him. how incredible it that!

i'm back - niiiiice!

ok. it has been forever since i have blogged. i fell off the blogging wagon but am ready to get back on. i am going to blog something every day, even if it is just a saying, a complaint, a big yea!!, or a story about my day. i love writing but am always worried i won't have anything to say. so i am going to say something every day.

today is a jesse story. this is tale of realization that my 2-year-old is listening to everything i am saying. scary!

the other day jesse and i were going out to run errands and shocker of shockers it was sunny. so i asked jesse if he wanted to wear his sunglasses. he said yes in his own grunt of excitement. i handed him the sunglasses, he put them on, looked at me and then said, "niiiiiice!"

i about fell over. it was so hilarious. i say that to him all the time when he comes out in one of his dress up outfits or if he does some thing new. i just never thought he was really picking up on it.

but it got me to thinking. if he is hearing "niiiiice!" come out of my mouth, he is hearing everything else. oops! i really have to think more before i speak, before i yell at the person who cut me off, before i say something not so nice about someone who pissed me off. yikes! Lord, i need help with this.