who am i?

i have been doing a lot of thinking lately about who i am and what i have to offer. i know that i am a wife and a mother, a daughter and a sister, an admin assistant, a person who loves to sing and play the piano, a person who loves to create things. but i don't feel like i am really good at any one thing.

i could have been or maybe still can be. i have never taken the time or the effort to push myself in any one thing. do i regret this? yes, sometimes. i wish i had taken more piano, voice lessons, more training on computers, spent more time with creative things.

so i am thinking - do i pick something now and try and focus on that or do i just keep being a jill of all trades?

maybe the answer is just to keep being who i am but push myself to do more with what i have now.

just some thoughts.

getting started again

i know, i know. i have so dropped the ball with my blogging. but i am ready to get started again.

sometimes i don't feel like i have anything to say - not enough going on in my life to write about. i could write about jesse every day because he does amazing things all the time. but i want this to be about me too. so it is hard to figure out what to write about.

today i have been struggling with thoughts about my weight. i want to lose weight. i don't need to be skinny, just comfortable. i came to a realization today. hold on to your hats, people. it takes work to lose weight. i know, a shocker, huh?

don't worry. i've always known it takes work to lose weight but i had to remind myself of that. i need to make a plan. i tend to try and take the easy way out but look where that has gotten me. so i am going to get a plan together and get started (again). i have made a start more times then i can remember. but i know that i am not giving up. so i start again.

i will probably write about this some in the days and weeks to come. i know i have issues with food and i know i am not a huge fan of exercise but i will be working at them both. i want to change this part of my life. i want to be different.

sometimes it just hits me

today was a rough day. i wasn't feeling well and things weren't going my way. i was in a parking lot talking to my husband on the phone and things just kind of all hit me at once and i just started crying. i was crying and sniffing and feeling sorry for myself when all of the sudden this incredibly amazing sound came from the backseat.

my son, jesse, was laughing his head off. i have never heard him laugh so hard. i looked back and he was just exploding with laughter. every time i sniffed he would just start all over again. so of course, i couldn't help myself and i started laughing too. philip, my husband, heard him over the phone and started laughing as well. it really just turned my day around.

it seems that a lot of times when i am feeling down, overwhelmed, or just plain done, the Lord uses jesse to remind me i don't have it as bad as i build it up in my mind that i have it.

we went camping over labor day weekend with some our of best friends. we met jay and tina in our adoption classes. we have been so blessed to have them in our lives. they adopted their son, brennan, 9 months before we adopted jesse. anyways, we were camping with them this past weekend and it was so great to see the boys together and to know that God planned and placed these very special boys in our families. He knew we needed them and they needed us.

we went swimming when we were camping and it was so great to see jesse playing in the water with philip. one of the neatest things for me was to see how safe jesse felt with philip. jesse would come to me for a few minutes but it was very apparent that he wanted to be with daddy. he let philip dunk him under water, spin him around, throw him in the air and it all included lots of laughing and yelling with excitement. i love to watch him with his daddy. it does my heart good.

thank You, Lord, for my son.

learning new words

my son, jesse, is starting to talk with words that we sometimes can understand. he is really good at mama, dada, nigh night, nanner (banana), and biper (diaper). but he is also learning work - because all day long he is asking where daddy is so he is learning daddy is at work. and lunch is a new word. it is so cute to see his little tongue come out to make the "l" sound. he is definitely doing more copying - trying to do and say the things we do. yikes, is that scary.

i was watching a documentary awhile back about a deaf boy who was getting cochlear implant. it talked about his thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. one thing he really wanted was to hear his girlfriend say his name. he got the implant and had to wait two weeks before they turned it on. so he goes to the doctor to turn it on. they tested it and then turned it on. he was in shock when he heard his mom speak to him.

then they left the office and just walking to the car overwhelmed him. all the noise we take for granted - people talking, cars driving by, radios blasting, even the wind blowing. after total silence for his whole life, there is all this sound in his head.

but the thing that just struck me was that he has to learn the language. i didn't even think about that part. i just was thinking he will get the implant and be able to talk and communicate verbally with people. but he has to learn what the words mean. he's never heard them before. just like a baby, the words are just sounds till he can associate them with what they mean. it just blew me away. they were saying it could take as long as 2 - 3 years for him to understand everything.

i'm sure his mom is just as excited as i am about my son learning new words and being able to communicate verbally.

why can't i sleep?

have you ever had insomnia? i do. not as bad as i used to. when i was single, i would clean my house at 3o'clock in the morning cause i couldn't sleep. since having jesse, my insomnia isn't as bad. guess he helps me be more tired at night.

but sometimes it isn't even about being tired. like tonight, i am really tired. but thinking about going to bed just makes me feel restless and jittery. so i know if i go to bed i will just lay there looking at the ceiling, checking the clock, and my mind will be running a mile a minute. not very restful.

i have only taken over the counter sleep medicine once or twice. now with jesse i am afraid if i take the medicine i won't hear jesse if he wakes up or if i hear him i will be too groggy to be of any use.

sometimes insomnia can be put to productive use - like cleaning the house, blogging (tee hee), paying bills, answering email, etc. it is one of the few times i am alone. so sometimes i don't mind it. but it seems to happen a lot when i really could use the rest for the day to come. i'm sure that is part of the problem - my brain is planning for the day ahead and is trying to get a head start.

anyways, tonight seems to be one of those nights. i think i might read instead of laying and looking at the ceiling. i am reading a jd robb book that is pretty good. maybe i will finish it.

good night, all.

i wish....

in a blog a couple weeks ago i wrote about my grandmother and going to see her and introduce her to my son, jesse. yesterday morning she passed away. and i felt a deep sadness. not necessarily that she was gone but a sadness that i never really knew her.

as i have been thinking about her this morning, i wish i had known her. i wish i had had the kind of relationship with her that i could had talked to her about her childhood, her school years, jobs she had, hobbies that she loved. i just wish i could have seen more of her and not just the hard, brusque outside.

i know that parts of her life left her hard and angry. i know that things probably didn't turn out for her like she wished or dreamt them. i know she shut people out to keep from getting hurt again. but i wish i could have or would have tried harder to get inside.

she and i never saw eye to eye. from childhood i felt i never measured up to her standard. even as i got older, we just never could seem to find common ground.

i think we could have enjoyed more time together if we had tried harder. we both loved ceramics and crocheting. i think she liked reading and i know that we both do crosswords - she was great at them.

but it never happened. but i know that i loved her anyway and i know now that she loved me even if she couldn't show it.

so i am sad that we never really got to know each other. i think we might have liked each other.

delores storey 8/17/08

a new milestone

my son has started walking. it is so exciting to see him gain confidence with every step and to see the pride on his face as he walks toward me. he thinks he is so big as he is walking across the room. you can just see that he knows it is a huge milestone and he expects for it to be acknowledged. so when he reaches his destination, he looks at us and starts clapping. and we had better start clapping too.

but then he will come to a point where he just doesn't want to walk anymore. if we try to get him to walk more, he just sits down. we can try all the tricks and it doesn't work. he just sits down.

i know i can be like that in my life. i take huge steps in my life and am moving forward. i feel great accomplishment and know that i am moving to the next level. but then all of the sudden, i just stop. i'm not sure if it is fear of the unknown, fear of failure, wanting to stay in my comfort zone, or just plain laziness. when i get to that point, i really have to push myself to keep moving. i don't always do it. but i hope that i keep trying.

moving forward, growing isn't easy. it means change, growing pains, giving up things that are comfortable. but the rewards are so much more than we will ever believe.

miracles happen every day

i know, i know. it has been forever since i blogged anything. but i have been on vacation and then trying to get back in the swing of things after the vacation.

we had a good time but were in the south in august. yuck!!! last day was 103 degrees with about 70% humidity. again, yuck!!! but we got to spend time with lots for family and friends. so that part was great.


one couple we got to spend time with were our friends, russ and jenn. we have been friends with them for a very long time. they got married a year after us. and like us, weren't able to have children. but about 9 months ago we got a call from russ and they were pregnant!! it was an amazing thing to hear. we got to stay a couple of days with them and see God's work in person. she is due just about any time now. philip got to help hang up some art that spells out their baby's name - parker. it is so incredible to see what God has done for them. He is blessing them with a miracle baby just like our jesse. the miracles just happened in different ways.

and that is something that i keep learning. we have in our minds how we think God should do things. and most of the time we get it wrong. sometimes because He does it differently than we are expecting, we have a hard time seeing and accepting His miracles. i know i have missed out on a few because my stubbornness has kept me from seeing what i need to see. how stupid is that. God puts something amazing right in front of us and because it doesn't look, smell, taste or sound like we think it should, we totally miss out on it.

Lord, forgive me for missing Your miracles. help me see the miracles You have for me and not let my perceptions keep me from what You have for me.

my camping moment

last blog entry i talked about looking forward to my camping moment. i had several but here is one that really touched me.

saturday morning jesse woke up, had his bottle and then got into bed with us. after a bit of playing he fell back asleep. i got to lay beside him and just watch him sleep. i was again overwhelmed by feelings of love and thankfulness. i laid there beside him and prayed for his birth mother, thanking God that she made a decision for the sake of jesse. she made an incredibly hard decision that truly blessed us and changed our lives forever. i prayed that God would work in her life and bring her to Him.

and as i prayed, jesse slept. he has no idea yet how his being here has changed who i am, how i think, and how i pray. he has no idea that he has helped make me something i have always wanted to be - a mom. he has no idea how his being here has changed our whole family and even changed people we don't know and will never meet. but one day we will get to tell him his story.

my moment

this weekend is our annual family camp out. i am so looking forward to it. it will be a great time to spend with family - parents, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, uncle and aunt, cousin and wife, husband and son. lots of us together with lots of uninterrupted time. i love it.

but i am also looking forward to my moment. whenever we go camping there is always a moment of total peace and calm. it might be early in the morning around the campfire. it might be floating on the lake. it might be waking up in the tent with the sounds of camp. it might be after dark with the fire dying down and thoughts running thru my head. i never know when it will be but it always comes.

keep it up

i was reading in james 5 last night and one verse talked about if you were suffering, keep praying for relief and if you had something to be thankful for, keep on praising. i was thinking that a lot of times we think all we need to do is just pray about something once and that is it. i know God hears us that one time but it isn't about the actual words, it is about the relationship.

God wants us to keep praying and asking for different reasons but i think one of them is relationship. He wants us to keep talking to Him, to keep touching base about this area of our life. it is important to us and it is important to Him so He wants to hear about it.

i think it is also about persistence on our part. is it really important to us? is it important enough to keep talking to God about it? how much time are we willing to spend on it?

and of course, patience. we need to remember it is about God's timing. so prayer is a part of actively waiting for what God has for us. we need to do our part. we have to take steps of action to bring things to be and prayer should be the first step. that is the hard one for me. i tend to try and make things happen instead of praying first to see how God wants it to happen.

Lord, help me take the right first step when i am waiting for something. help me to pray and keep on praying.

not much to say today

well, i don't have much to say today. i have had a headache lurking right behind my eyes all day. but it was a great day with jesse. he is such an amazing boy. i love watching him discover new things and new stuff he can do. he loves to walk around holding mommy or daddy's hand. he thinks he is so big. so even on a day when i am dealing with a headache, he makes me smile and make the day great. love you, little man.

don't waste time

jesse and i got back yesterday from visiting family. we stayed with my aunt and uncle and my mom, sister and nephew were there too. then we went to see my grandmother, who lives in an assisted living home. she had never met my son, jesse.

i have never had a great relationship with my grandmother. i always felt she didn't really like me. but i know she had a hard life and any relationship was difficult for her. i feel really sad for her - for all the things she has missed because of how she treated people. she never really let anyone get close.

but when we went to see her this time, she was somewhat different. i know that she is on alot of medication and stuff, but i think it is more than that. i think she is beginning to realize what she has missed out on. she was so glad to see jesse and jude, her great-grandsons. she was happy we were there and when it came time to leave, she didn't want us to go. i'm not sure it would have made any difference but i wish i would have tried harder to have a relationship with her.

it just reminded me not to waste time. relationships are so important to me and i have to work hard to make sure they are what they should be. this includes my relationship with God, my husband, my child, my family, my friends, and the new relationships God brings me.

adoption ministry

today i dropped off 50 baby bottles filled with spare change at adoption ministry. why would i do that and what is adoption ministry you ask?

well, adoption ministry is a YWAM ministry that helps birth mothers and adoptive parents. they are an amazing group of people. they helped us with our adoption of jesse. here is their website if you want to check them out. www.adoptionministry.net

anyways, they do a fundraiser every year from mother's day to father's day and this year our church participated. they give out empty baby bottles and you fill them with your spare change. it is so simple and non-threatening. our church's response really amazed philip and i. our church filled 50 baby bottles. the fundraiser was from mother's day to father's day but almost all the bottles were gone the first sunday and some were back the next sunday. it was great. thanks, federal way vineyard.

it was great to be able to take back all those full baby bottles and know we were helping a ministry that helped us so much and continues to help us and others with adoption.

taa daa!

i had quite a scare today. my son decided to raise my heartbeat a bit.

he was in his crib and was playing with the wipes box that is on the bookcase at the head of his crib as he always does. i left the room for a minute and heard him drop the wipes box, again as he usually does.

but then i heard a bigger bang and then a crying baby. i ran in and jesse was on the floor.

when the wipes box dropped on the floor, he leaned over the bookcase to see where it went and leaned over too far. he fell out of the crib and onto the floor.

i picked him up and he cried for a little bit but within minutes was laughing and ready to play. i have a good friend who told me that babies bounce and jesse proved that today. he doesn't have any bruises or bumps but mommy had the shakes for a little while.

a little more

just a little more about my thought noodle from yesterday. the opportunities. i know that i have many opportunities a day to start or build a relationship. i also know i have many excuses and ways to not start or build a relationship.

one thing that comes to mind is a comment i made to one of my neighbors. we were talking one time and i said something about if i am not in the mood to deal with the world, i leave my living room curtains closed. well, unbeknownst to me, she took this to heart and wouldn't call or come over if they were closed. that really hit me hard. i do close myself off sometimes and i know closed curtains aren't the only weapon in my arsenal. i think i need to start going thru my weapons of closed-offness and get rid of them.

i also know that it will not be an easy process. i know that with the opportunities God gives me for relationships comes the very real possibility of hurt and rejection. so i have to decide if the hope of the relationship making a difference in that person's life (and mine) is worth the risk. it is hard to decide that when you aren't sure what the cost will be. but i know that God will be with me and if i follow His leading, it will have an eternal purpose. and i am willing to do what i need to if there is a purpose and knowledge that some one's life will be changed for the better.

i feel full

my mind is filled to the brim with many thoughts today and i feel full. and i am not sure what to do with most of them. i know they will eventually sort out but right now they just feel like a big bowl of spaghetti - all the noodles tangled together.

one thought noodle i have right now was brought on by a meeting i was at tonight. we were talking about how to reach more people and show them the hope of Jesus. and basically it comes down to being more real, more open to people and opportunities to build relationships with people we never have before. we have to be purposeful with our time, our lives, our hearts. and in being purposeful, we have to realize there will be a cost - a cost in our time, our lives, our hearts. and we have to be willing to pay that price - there is no half way about a relationship. we can't start a relationship and realize it is too expensive and bail.

and it has to be real. it can't be all about the crusade. it has to be about the relationship. it has to be about true caring for people.

can i pay the price? yes. will i be willing to pay the price? i have to be.

home again

we are home again after spending the weekend at my parents. it was a great time. we got to see some old friends and catch up. it was really good.

they adopted their son and so it was neat to be able to talk to them about jesse's adoption and compare stories. there truly is a sense of family and connection when you meet and talk with other people who have adopted.

adoption is such an amazing thing - that someone is willing to give up a child so that child can have a family and a family can be complete. i am so thankful for adoption.

hangin' with family

it has been a great day. i got to spend most of it with my family - which is always great.

but first thing this morning, philip, jesse, and i had breakfast with our birthmother and her parents. i am always a little nervous about this meetings - i am never sure how it is going to go. but God is always faithful and it generally goes smoothly. i am also thankful we have this relationship so jesse will be able to know his story and where he came from.

after breakfast, we came back to my parents and a nap was had by jesse. then my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew came over, jesse woke up and it was time to play.

jesse and jude played in the sandbox and then played in the pool. after that whole family - grandparents, parents, kids, and the dog - all sat in the grass and played, talked, and just hung out. it so amazing. i think i would rather do that than anything else.

i know i have said this before but i am so thankful for my family. i love spending time with them. we are more than family - we are friends.

i'm stylin'

i got my hair colored today. i had never had it done professionally before. but i got some money and gift cards for mother's day to get it done. i had a picture of what i wanted so i showed kenyetta (my hair stylist) and she had some ideas too. we picked a color and off we went. she foiled my hair and colored the rest then under the hair dryer for 20 minutes. off to the sink for a rinse and another product to seal. sit for 10 minutes and wash. then we go back to the chair and just like in all those reality makeover shows, she turns me away from the mirror and starts to cut. she cuts and styles and is taking such care, trying to get everything just right.

then she tells me to close my eyes. i thought she was going to spray it with hair spray but she turns me to the mirror and tells me to open my eyes. it was AMAZING! just what i wanted. now i know why all those women get so emotional when they see themselves for the first time. it was so cool.

i had sat in front of that mirror just a couple of hours earlier looking at myself, thinking how blah and drab i looked. and now i loved it - my hair was bright and vibrant and just a little funky. just what i wanted.

and the time i spent getting it done was so relaxing. i could have dozed off several times. it was so nice to do something for myself like that. even when it came time to pay and it was more than i expected, it didn't bum me out. it's not something i will do every month or anything but it was so nice and rejuvinating. you should try it sometime.

scrapbooking

i love scrapbooking.

it is so much more than just putting some pictures and stickers on some colorful paper. it is a way to capture memories, spend time remembering the moments, and use creativity to make it beautiful and interesting.

i was working on some pages for a scrapbook i gave to our birth mother. and it was so great to look at the pictures of jesse and see how he has grown. it was also a time to be extremely thankful to our birth mother for making the choice to give up jesse for adoption so our family would be blessed with this amazing boy. it was a time to pray for our birth mother - for her life, her future, her relationship with God.

it was a great time for me to just spend some time relaxing and doing something i enjoy. as a mom, sometimes i feel like i have had to put some things on hold that i enjoy because life with a boy about to start walking is pretty full. but just the few hours i spent tonight working on these pages was energizing.

i love scrapbooking.

insomnia

last night was a long night. i know that there are only 24 hours in every single day but when you can't get to sleep, it seems like there are so many more hours than that. but i got my laundry done, played a few games of slingo, and read my book. so time wasn't wasted.

sometimes i know what keeps me awake - running thru the day in my mind, thinking "i should have done this, shouldn't have said that", trying to figure out my day tomorrow, worrying about things i can't do anything about. but last night i just couldn't sleep. what a pain!

so i am hoping that tonight is a different story. i want to sleep well tonight - not alot of dreams, no waking up 2 or 3 times - just a nice, deep sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow.

sleep well all.

one of those days

well, today was one of those days. you know the ones - nothing is terrible but things just don't fall into place the way they should.

on these days, after it is all over and i get to chill out, i feel like i really have nothing to complain about. i have an amazing husband who loves me, an incredible son who fills my life with so much joy, family who is always there, and a life i have always wanted. i get to be a stay-at-home mom, work a job that is on my schedule, have friends that i get to hang out with, everything.

but in the moments of these days, i do complain, get angry, frustrated, and wonder if i am a good enough wife and mom.

i am so thankful for the support system i have. my husband, family, friends, and most of all, God, who is always there. i just need to stop and take a moment to find Him and those who will help be thru those days. why is it that i always turn to Him last?

Lord, forgive me for being slow to learn that You are always there.

freedom

in my july 4th blog, i wrote about things i was thankful for. freedom was one of the things i listed. i was thinking about that today. as americans we have amazing freedom but as christians we have even more amazing freedom. freedom from sin, depression, anger, addictions, anything that can bind us and keep us from being who God has called us to be. all we have to do is hold on to this freedom.

but to hold on to the freedom, we may have to let go of other things - things that keep us from that freedom. i know i am holding on to things that keep me from all that God has for me - fear, pride, insecurities, sin. i realized that i can't have that freedom cause my hands are full of all this other stuff. so i am going to have let go of all these unuseful, awful things so i can have the incredible gift of freedom that God has for me.

it's worth the effort

i just watched a video my dad sent me. it is truly amazing. please watch this.



sometimes i react like the baseball player. it's out, not worth the effort. but how much more could i accomplish, what would my life be like, what could i do for others if i took the extra effort, time, love? i want to be the ball girl.

fourth of july

here are a few things that fourth of july reminds me to be thankful for.

• freedom
• family
• friends
• fireworks
• veterans - my dad is one and i am so thankful he came home.
• troops fighting for our country today - i pray they come home.
• our country
• our holidays - to remember all that have come before and to celebrate the life we have now.

i am so thankful to live in america and to have the freedoms we have. we take them for granted too much.

break the cycle

Ezekiel 20:18

then i warned their children and told them not to follow in their parent's footsteps, defiling themselves with their idols.

i am truly amazed by my parents the more i learn about where they came from. and when i see who they are now, i thank God they broke the cycle. they did all the hard work for me. they made decisions in their lives that have made my choices and decisions in life easier. they chose to follow God, not the unhealthy patterns in the lives of the people before them. and in doing so, made my life an amazing testimony to the rewards and joys of following God.

Lord, help me never forget or take for granted the battle my parents won for me.

my hidden rooms

Ezekiel 8:8, 12-13
he said to me, "now, son of man, dig into the wall." so i dug into the wall and uncovered a door to a hidden room...then the Lord said to me, "son of man, have you seen the leaders of israel with their idols in dark rooms? they are saying, 'the Lord doesn't see us; He has deserted our land.'" then He added, "come and I will show you greater sins than these."

how many times have i thought that a sin was hidden - no one could see it or find it. i thought it was locked, buried, and boarded up behind a hidden door. but the Lord knows my heart, all my secret hiding places. how many times have i tried to use the distraction tactic - "well, i'll let Him see this sin," but hide the bigger one behind it. it doesn't work, thank God! amazingly, i am comforted by the fact that God see and knows everything. i don't have to hide or scheme because He already knows it. what a freedom to know He knows and is waiting to forgive. no more secret rooms, no more sneaking around. no more wasting my time trying to decide which sin to tell Him about. now i just need to get my mind to follow my heart and quit playing games.

Lord, thank You for knowing me - the good, the bad and the ugly. i want to be a house of open doors and clean rooms. find all my secret passages and hidden doors and come on in. help me clean my house for You.

you're not alone

i have two people in my life who are dealing with physical issues and it is a very emotion thing for them and those who love them. i wish i could do something for them. it is a totally helpless feeling to not be able to fix the problem, give them what they need, or just make it all better.

the one thing i can do is pray for them, because i know that God hears our prayers. i know that He loves them more than i ever could. i know that He feels their pain, sorrow, uncertainty, fear, anger, all the emotions they are experiencing. so i pray - every time they come to mind - i pray.

i heard a song on the radio today and part of the song filled me with hope for them and for me. the words were, "you are not alone." how amazing is that. to know and have the hope that we don't have to go thru life's hard times alone. but that we have someone who is always there and knows exactly what we are feeling and what we need.

so to my friends who are in this hard time - you are not alone. know that God is there and you are in His hands. i love you and am praying for you.

my hope

i was reading some devotions i did in 2003. here is one that really hit home with me.

Lamentations 3:19-24, 31
the thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. i will never forget this awful time, as i grieve over my loss. yet i still dare to hope when i remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! by His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. i say to myself, "the Lord is my inheritance; therefore i will hope in Him...for the Lord does not abandon anyone forever.

how amazing that in the middle of a book called lamentations there is such hope. what a picture for our life. we can be in the middle of the worst disaster imaginable but in it all the Lord is our hope, our inheritance. many times i want to avoid any unpleasantness, anything that might bring bad news. but i can remember and count on the fact that even when things are bad, God is God.

Lord, help me go THRU the tough times in life WITH You.

what is your worth?

today my dad spoke at church about how we see ourselves and how God sees us and the vast difference in the value we place on ourselves and the value God places on us. Jesus thought we were so valuable that He paid the highest price - Himself.

i want to see just a portion of the value Jesus sees in me. if i did i probably would make better use of what He has given me. i know in my heart of hearts that i am valuable and that there is so much more that He is put in me and so much more i could be doing with those gifts. i know some of what is holding me back is fear - fear that when push comes to shove i won't be good enough.

but i have to have faith - simple faith - that if i am in God's will that His purpose and gifts will work thru me to touch people's lives.

here is the link to my dad's sermon today. it is called the skyscraper secret. it is definitely worth listening to. http://www.fwvineyard.org/Resources/Sermons/default.aspx

things i am thankful for

my sister and i love lists. she even wrote about them in her blog. here is her address so you can check it out for yourself. icallalltimessoon.blogspot.com

so i am going to write a list of things i am thankful for today.

• my husband - he is such a great friend, confidante, father


• my son - he is a joy that amazes me every day


• my family - they are there for me always


• the cool breeze that makes the hot day bearable


• time to relax and do nothing


• books to read


• strawberry, raspberry and peach shortcake


• great music to listen to


• laughing with my mom and my son


• watching my son in the swimming pool for the first time


• a walk along the puget sound


• an airconditioned room to sleep in tonight

well, that is just a few things i am thankful for today.

a great day

just quick note. i had a great day today. i got to spend lots of time with family. jesse is getting braver by the minute with his walking (with help). it is amazing to watch and incredible how quickly he changes. everyday i am so thankful that jesse is a part of our lives. and he is so proud of himself with every new thing he tries and succeeds at. i love watching the look on his face when he realizes he did something new. i am so blessed.

are we ready?

if you have been following my blog, you know my son, jesse, is adopted. it is a truly amazing experience. well, we are planning to start the adoption process again in august. we are really excited.

but when it comes right down to it, i'm a little freaked out too. jesse is just starting to really move around and is finding all kinds of things to get into and it is so hard to keep an eye on him all the time. and as i said last night, he is testing his boundaries. so as we move toward another adoption and child, i start wondering, "am i ready for 2?"

in my heart i know i am. i can't wait to add to our already blessed family. and i know jesse will love having sister or brother. but my mind is spinning - how will i do it? i babysat for a friend the other day and i had jesse with me as well. i quickly became aware of the need to stagger feeding, changing, etc. it will definitely have a learning curve.

i remember feeling the same way before we got jesse. will i be a good mom? can i make the right decisions? do i have the patience? and the moment i held jesse, those questions faded to the background for awhile. i knew i could do it. it just felt right.

now that doesn't mean i don't still have those questions run thru my mind, but i know that whatever comes along i can do it because i love him. they say love conquers all and it does.

it amazes me how i can be having the worst day - nothing going right, nasty customers at work, computer not working right, burnt dinner - and jesse laughs or gives me a hug and all is right with the world for a few moments.

so yes, i think we are ready. i may still freak out a little but i know when the time comes we will be ready and so blessed.

testing our boundaries

my son is really starting to test his boundaries (and his parents). he will grab something he isn't supposed to and i will tell him "no" and take it away. he will look right at me and grab it again. so i tell him "no" and take it away. we got thru this several times - every time he looks right at me and does it again. then as he starts to do it again, i say, "jesse, what did mommy say?". he looks at me and shakes his head "no". i say, "that's right. mommy said no". finally after several minutes of this exchange, he moves on to something else.

i am learning that parenting is about consistency and persistence. you have to decide to whether it is important enough to you and your child for you to take the time and effort to set the boundaries and keep the boundaries. it is tough because that has to take priority over many other things. you have to be willing to stop whatever you are doing at that moment to deal with the situation because they won't remember it even a few minutes later.

i have had several conversations with my sister about how scary it is to think that it is our responsibility as parents to teach our children so much - right and wrong, safe and dangerous, the difference between a tree and a bush, etc. it is downright terrifying.

but i know we are learning right along with jesse. it is amazing to watch him learn - you can see the gears turning as he is figuring something new out. and it is awesome to see how proud he is of himself when he does figure it out.

parenting is an incredible experience. i can't wait and yet am scared too to see what comes next.

ready for my family to come

i am so looking forward to this weekend. my parents are coming to stay and my dad is preaching at our church this sunday.

i am very close with my family and i know that i am truly blessed. i know so many people who don't have a good relationship with their family and it is so sad to me. my family is my rock, my true measure. i know that they are there for me always. i also know they will let me know if i am off track and will be there to help me get back on track.

we honestly love to spend time together. it is amazing to be such great friends with my parents, my sister and her husband, my aunt and uncle. i am very thankful for them.

i am also looking forward to hearing my dad preach. i love hearing him speak. he is a great story teller. and i always come away with something to do to better how i live my life.

thank you, Lord, for such a great family.

makes me sad

i saw in an article that george carlin, the comedian, died on june 22, 2008. as i read the article, i came across this statement that he gave to Reuters in a 2001 interview.

"i don't have any beliefs or allegiances. i don't believe in this country, i don't believe in religion, or a God, and i don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas."

it made me so sad. how can you go thru this life not believing in anything? how hopeless you must feel. then in the end to be so lost forever.

i need to believe and have faith in something bigger than me. i know i take God for granted too much of the time, but there is a deeply ingrained faith in Him in my heart always. there is always that for me to fall back on when things feel hopeless. life can definitely be hard sometimes and it can feel terribly overwhelming and if i didn't have it undeniable knowledge that God loves me and for me, i wouldn't know how to deal with life.

i pray i can be someone who helps others find this faith, find God and know that they are not alone and there something to believe in.

less of me

today in worship we sang a song called "lily of the valley." the chorus is "more of You and less of me." that is the cry of my heart. there is some much of me that i get in the way of God trying to work in me and thru me.

so one last yard sale analogy. as i was getting rid of stuff yesterday at goodwill and today at the dump, it reminded me that there are two ways to get rid of stuff in my life. some stuff is actually worthwhile and just needs to be given away - my time, talents, and passions. then there is stuff that is just junk and needs to be thrown away - addictions, laziness, stubborness, hurt, anger, etc. the list could go on for quite awhile.

i promise that is the last mention of yard sales for awhile anyways. i am going to start working on my give aways and my throw aways.

thank You, Lord, for more of You in my life.

it's done

well, i did it. i had the yard sale and got rid of lots of stuff. made a little money too. i was so glad my neighbor did a joint yard sale with me. i know if she hadn't been doing it with me, i would have woken up this morning and gone, "nope, not doing it" and gone back to sleep.

but that being said, i am really glad i did it. it is nice to have so much stuff gone, never to return.

i am working hard on my life yard sale too. i have really been faithful with my Bible reading and journalling. and i am working at adding something productive to each day. it is hard work but definitely worth it. but it is also showing me more i need to do in my life.

it was like that when we took stuff out of the garage for the yard sale. i was thinking we were going to empty a lot more space, but taking out the stuff for the yard sale just showed how much more stuff was in there. so we will just keep working on it a little at a time.

no great revelation

well, tomorrow is the yard sale. i am so ready for it to be over and all the stuff gone. i am going "clean house" style and whatever doesn't sell in the yard sale is going to goodwill or the dump. a true purge of stuff i don't need.

i have started the same process in my life. i am working on cleaning out the junk that doesn't need to be there to make room for things i actually have a use for. this blog is part of that - taking time to do something creative and productive instead of just sitting around watching tv.

anyways, that is all i have for today. no great revelation, just trying to move ahead and do better in my life.

Remember my chains

i was doing my bible reading last night and paul said something in colossians 4:18 that really stopped me in my tracks.

remember my chains

even now i am not sure why it jumped out at me or what it means. maybe paul is asking us to remember the cost of serving God. maybe he is asking for prayer for his situation. i don't know but the statement is strong and for me very thought provoking.

if you have any thoughts on this, please let me know. i will write more about this as i have more time to think about it.

alone with you

at worship practice last night we worked on a new song called "sweep me away" from enter the worship circle. here are some of the lyrics.

You sweep me away to bone-crushing waters
Bury me deep in the arms of the Father
You swallow me whole in the deepest of deeps
I'm alone with You, I'm alone with You

that is definitely a picture of what i need sometimes. bone-crushing waters to break up my hardness. buried deep in His arms to shut out all distractions. swallow me whole so i can give my all to Him. alone with Him so i can be totally open and honest and really work on the parts of me that i keep hidden from everyone.

Lord, break up my hardness, give You everything and tell You all my secrets.

why do we do these things to each other?

i found out late last night that someone apparently got my check card number and used it to make a payment to a collection company. the bank is researching it and hopefully will get it straightened out. it is a stressful and scary thing that someone has my info.

it got me to thinking. how does someone come to the conclusion that it is okay to do something like that? to do something that can really harm someone. i'm not naive. i know that people do bad things and don't seem to have a conscience about it but it is so hard for me to understand.

even as a little kid, i couldn't lie. i broke my mom's antique tea cup after being told not to play with it. after i broke it, i hid it. (not well. i hid it in my mom's drawer. i'm sure she found it.) anyways, she never said anything about it to me. but i couldn't sleep and had to go in the middle of the night, wake her up and tell her about it.

i know. i know. i sound like a goody goody too shoes (is that how you write it?). but i honestly just don't understand the thought process of deliberately doing something like this.

okay. i am done with my boohooing and ranting. just a hard thing to deal with.

forever the same

it is so awesome that Jesus never changes. i have been thinking and talking about making changes and how Jesus is always there even when i am far away. i was cleaning off my desk and came across a poem/song i started writing years ago. here it is.

He is so faithful
On Him will i call
Whenever i stumble
Whenever i fall
I am so weak
His love makes me strong
He gives me hope
A brand new song

He poured out His love
He gave it for free
My pain He took
He cleansed me
My heart it was hard
Of stone it was made
But Jesus was there
His love doesn't fade

thank you Lord for never changing

father's day

i am so thankful for the fathers in my life.

in church today there was a message on father's day of course. and in watching people's reactions to this message just reminded me how blessed i am to have the father i have. a lot of people aren't as blessed as i am with the father in their life.

i have a dad who always there for me, even when we were (and are) in different cities, states, and countries. i have a dad who loves me and always let me know it. i have a dad who is a parent, mentor, friend, and hero. thanks dad for being my dad.

i also have a husband who is an amazing dad to our son. he changes diapers, gets up in the middle of the night even when he has to go to work the next day, plays funny games, reads, and just plain loves to hang out with jesse. he cares about jesse and wants to be the best dad he can be. thanks philip for being a great dad.

here is a little something jesse wrote for his daddy. yes, i know it is incredible how articulate our 15 month old is.

I just love hanging out with my daddy.
One of my favorite times of the day is about 5pm.

I hear the front door open, look over and there is my daddy.

I get so excited to see him I can hardly stand it.

My daddy is teaching me all kinds of things.

Right now we are learning about remotes.

I have learned how to turn the light and fan on in the living room with the remote.

Pretty cool.

I think the thing I love most about my daddy is

that he likes spending time with me as much as I like spending time with him.

Happy Father’s day, Daddy.
Love, Jesse

6/15/08

finally, i have a heavenly Father who watches out for me and loves me even when i am far away from Him. i definitely take Him for granted but He is there the moment i call to Him. how amazing is that. thanks Lord for being my Father.

a few words

my neighbors and i are having a yard sale next week. yard sales are great. i love to go to them and treasure hunt. you can find some amazing things at yard sales.

but i am having one. which means lots of work to get ready. i have a garage full of stuff. my husband will be so glad to have his garage back. i had a booth in an antique store for awhile and so have accumulated so much stuff. it will be great to get rid of all this stuff just taking up space in our garage. not really looking forward to sorting thru all of the stuff but has to be done.

i think i need to do a big sort in my life as well. and just like getting ready for the garage sale, not really looking forward to it. but all the work will be worth it. there is a big pay off in the end. just like i hope there is a big payoff at the end of the yard sale as well. and i never know what i might find when i sort out my garage and my life.

i'm thankful

i am thankful for so many things. but here are a few that i thought of today.

• my husband - for all the little things he does



• my son - for his amazing ability to brighten my darkest day



• rain - i know but i love it



• music - it speaks to me

just a few things that helped me thru the day today.

it's been awhile

yes, it has been awhile since i have written anything. i could make excuses (i'm sooo busy, we've all been sick, i don't have anything to say, etc.). some of these are true and some imagined. basically, i just haven't done it. so today i pledge to write something every day - even if it is just a sentence, a thanks, a complaint, a scream - just something.

this is my awesome family. my best times are times spent with them. they make me a better person, more of who i want to be all the time.

i have really been thinking about a post on my dad's blog - http://www.jimstephensblog.blogspot.com/ - titled "my eyes are dry." you should really check it out. my dad is a pretty cool guy and really wise. i don't think i let him know that enough.

anyways, i have been feeling that way - a little dry. and it is pretty much because of my lack of effort on reaching out to God. why do i do this? i know how much better (is better the right word or is focused the word?) my life is and how much more open to what life has in store for me i am when i am working at my relationship with God. in talking with some friends last night, i realized i want to surround myself with transparent people, real people, but for that to happen i have to be that kind of person. yikes! do i want it that bad? i think i do.

so i have to work on being more real, more honest - and that includes being real and honest with myself. i tend to be a glass half full, look on the bright side of life type person, but to my detriment sometimes. i use my power of bright-side-of-life to avoid unpleasantness and "reality" at times. i just want everything to be good. but often, it is the hard stuff, the unpleasant stuff that brings the most growth and even most joy.

it is time for a hard, honest look at who i am and where God wants me to go. so here i go on this new leg of my life.

A Milestone and a Discovery

my son, jesse, had his first birthday this past week. that is a major milestone for him and for us, his parents. the past year has flown by and he has grown and changed in so many ways. it all has happened so fast. he is trying to communicate, he is eating real food, he has teeth, he is almost walking, his personality is amazing, i could go on and on.

sometimes my days seem to run together. pretty much wake up, get jesse and spend my day doing the stuff that has to be done. but then there are moments of such amazing discovery and joy for both of us. jesse discovers a new taste and i discover a new expression on his face. he discovers he can pull himself up and i discover i have a whole new set of worries - will he fall, will he hurt himself.

yesterday at church, our worship leader was talking about how much God loves us and looks after us and how much more He is able to do for us than our dads. it got me thinking about how everything jesse does is amazing to me and makes me love him even more. last night, we were playing on the floor and he grabbed my foot and me, being very ticklish there, pulled it away really fast and he just thought that was hilarious. his laughter made everything else unimportant at the moment.

so i was thinking how our reactions to God must make Him feel. we are his children and He is watching our every step, every laugh, every hurt. if God has the same feeling for me that i have for jesse, that is incredible and even a little overwhelming to me. i know there are times when jesse has thrown his sippy cup on the floor for the 20th time, that i get frustrated and yet under it all i love him more than i can express. and that is the same God feels for me. when i have messed up for the millionth time, He is frustrated and disappointed but still loves me more and more. how unbelievable is that.

today as i head into my normal routine, i am purposing to realize more of how God loves and cares for me and wants to help me learn, grow, and discover His plan for me, just like i want help jesse learn, grow, and discover who he is.

first for me

this is a first for me. i have never blogged before. i was inspired by my dad and my sister to start this. i read their blogs and thought how great it was to have a place where thoughts, experiences, and just things happening at that moment were there to read. so i am starting a blog for myself and for my son and for those who are interested.

tonight my husband philip and i (mostly philip as i entertained our son, jesse) did some things around the house we had been talking about doing. it was so nice just to be together, making our house more homey. jesse was watching philip and i could just picture him in a couple years, handing his daddy the screws, helping in any way he could.

one of my moments of greatest joy is when philip comes home from work and jesse watches him come in the door and his face just lights up and he reaches for his daddy. it makes my heart melt.

i still have moments that i can't believe jesse is here and he is ours. we have waited so long for a child and God has so blessed us with our son, jesse. we adopted him almost a year ago and our life has been changed - more than we ever thought possible. we are so thankful to God, his birth mother and family, our family and friends, and all who walked thru this time with us.