my hope

i was reading some devotions i did in 2003. here is one that really hit home with me.

Lamentations 3:19-24, 31
the thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. i will never forget this awful time, as i grieve over my loss. yet i still dare to hope when i remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! by His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. i say to myself, "the Lord is my inheritance; therefore i will hope in Him...for the Lord does not abandon anyone forever.

how amazing that in the middle of a book called lamentations there is such hope. what a picture for our life. we can be in the middle of the worst disaster imaginable but in it all the Lord is our hope, our inheritance. many times i want to avoid any unpleasantness, anything that might bring bad news. but i can remember and count on the fact that even when things are bad, God is God.

Lord, help me go THRU the tough times in life WITH You.

what is your worth?

today my dad spoke at church about how we see ourselves and how God sees us and the vast difference in the value we place on ourselves and the value God places on us. Jesus thought we were so valuable that He paid the highest price - Himself.

i want to see just a portion of the value Jesus sees in me. if i did i probably would make better use of what He has given me. i know in my heart of hearts that i am valuable and that there is so much more that He is put in me and so much more i could be doing with those gifts. i know some of what is holding me back is fear - fear that when push comes to shove i won't be good enough.

but i have to have faith - simple faith - that if i am in God's will that His purpose and gifts will work thru me to touch people's lives.

here is the link to my dad's sermon today. it is called the skyscraper secret. it is definitely worth listening to. http://www.fwvineyard.org/Resources/Sermons/default.aspx

things i am thankful for

my sister and i love lists. she even wrote about them in her blog. here is her address so you can check it out for yourself. icallalltimessoon.blogspot.com

so i am going to write a list of things i am thankful for today.

• my husband - he is such a great friend, confidante, father


• my son - he is a joy that amazes me every day


• my family - they are there for me always


• the cool breeze that makes the hot day bearable


• time to relax and do nothing


• books to read


• strawberry, raspberry and peach shortcake


• great music to listen to


• laughing with my mom and my son


• watching my son in the swimming pool for the first time


• a walk along the puget sound


• an airconditioned room to sleep in tonight

well, that is just a few things i am thankful for today.

a great day

just quick note. i had a great day today. i got to spend lots of time with family. jesse is getting braver by the minute with his walking (with help). it is amazing to watch and incredible how quickly he changes. everyday i am so thankful that jesse is a part of our lives. and he is so proud of himself with every new thing he tries and succeeds at. i love watching the look on his face when he realizes he did something new. i am so blessed.

are we ready?

if you have been following my blog, you know my son, jesse, is adopted. it is a truly amazing experience. well, we are planning to start the adoption process again in august. we are really excited.

but when it comes right down to it, i'm a little freaked out too. jesse is just starting to really move around and is finding all kinds of things to get into and it is so hard to keep an eye on him all the time. and as i said last night, he is testing his boundaries. so as we move toward another adoption and child, i start wondering, "am i ready for 2?"

in my heart i know i am. i can't wait to add to our already blessed family. and i know jesse will love having sister or brother. but my mind is spinning - how will i do it? i babysat for a friend the other day and i had jesse with me as well. i quickly became aware of the need to stagger feeding, changing, etc. it will definitely have a learning curve.

i remember feeling the same way before we got jesse. will i be a good mom? can i make the right decisions? do i have the patience? and the moment i held jesse, those questions faded to the background for awhile. i knew i could do it. it just felt right.

now that doesn't mean i don't still have those questions run thru my mind, but i know that whatever comes along i can do it because i love him. they say love conquers all and it does.

it amazes me how i can be having the worst day - nothing going right, nasty customers at work, computer not working right, burnt dinner - and jesse laughs or gives me a hug and all is right with the world for a few moments.

so yes, i think we are ready. i may still freak out a little but i know when the time comes we will be ready and so blessed.

testing our boundaries

my son is really starting to test his boundaries (and his parents). he will grab something he isn't supposed to and i will tell him "no" and take it away. he will look right at me and grab it again. so i tell him "no" and take it away. we got thru this several times - every time he looks right at me and does it again. then as he starts to do it again, i say, "jesse, what did mommy say?". he looks at me and shakes his head "no". i say, "that's right. mommy said no". finally after several minutes of this exchange, he moves on to something else.

i am learning that parenting is about consistency and persistence. you have to decide to whether it is important enough to you and your child for you to take the time and effort to set the boundaries and keep the boundaries. it is tough because that has to take priority over many other things. you have to be willing to stop whatever you are doing at that moment to deal with the situation because they won't remember it even a few minutes later.

i have had several conversations with my sister about how scary it is to think that it is our responsibility as parents to teach our children so much - right and wrong, safe and dangerous, the difference between a tree and a bush, etc. it is downright terrifying.

but i know we are learning right along with jesse. it is amazing to watch him learn - you can see the gears turning as he is figuring something new out. and it is awesome to see how proud he is of himself when he does figure it out.

parenting is an incredible experience. i can't wait and yet am scared too to see what comes next.

ready for my family to come

i am so looking forward to this weekend. my parents are coming to stay and my dad is preaching at our church this sunday.

i am very close with my family and i know that i am truly blessed. i know so many people who don't have a good relationship with their family and it is so sad to me. my family is my rock, my true measure. i know that they are there for me always. i also know they will let me know if i am off track and will be there to help me get back on track.

we honestly love to spend time together. it is amazing to be such great friends with my parents, my sister and her husband, my aunt and uncle. i am very thankful for them.

i am also looking forward to hearing my dad preach. i love hearing him speak. he is a great story teller. and i always come away with something to do to better how i live my life.

thank you, Lord, for such a great family.

makes me sad

i saw in an article that george carlin, the comedian, died on june 22, 2008. as i read the article, i came across this statement that he gave to Reuters in a 2001 interview.

"i don't have any beliefs or allegiances. i don't believe in this country, i don't believe in religion, or a God, and i don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas."

it made me so sad. how can you go thru this life not believing in anything? how hopeless you must feel. then in the end to be so lost forever.

i need to believe and have faith in something bigger than me. i know i take God for granted too much of the time, but there is a deeply ingrained faith in Him in my heart always. there is always that for me to fall back on when things feel hopeless. life can definitely be hard sometimes and it can feel terribly overwhelming and if i didn't have it undeniable knowledge that God loves me and for me, i wouldn't know how to deal with life.

i pray i can be someone who helps others find this faith, find God and know that they are not alone and there something to believe in.

less of me

today in worship we sang a song called "lily of the valley." the chorus is "more of You and less of me." that is the cry of my heart. there is some much of me that i get in the way of God trying to work in me and thru me.

so one last yard sale analogy. as i was getting rid of stuff yesterday at goodwill and today at the dump, it reminded me that there are two ways to get rid of stuff in my life. some stuff is actually worthwhile and just needs to be given away - my time, talents, and passions. then there is stuff that is just junk and needs to be thrown away - addictions, laziness, stubborness, hurt, anger, etc. the list could go on for quite awhile.

i promise that is the last mention of yard sales for awhile anyways. i am going to start working on my give aways and my throw aways.

thank You, Lord, for more of You in my life.

it's done

well, i did it. i had the yard sale and got rid of lots of stuff. made a little money too. i was so glad my neighbor did a joint yard sale with me. i know if she hadn't been doing it with me, i would have woken up this morning and gone, "nope, not doing it" and gone back to sleep.

but that being said, i am really glad i did it. it is nice to have so much stuff gone, never to return.

i am working hard on my life yard sale too. i have really been faithful with my Bible reading and journalling. and i am working at adding something productive to each day. it is hard work but definitely worth it. but it is also showing me more i need to do in my life.

it was like that when we took stuff out of the garage for the yard sale. i was thinking we were going to empty a lot more space, but taking out the stuff for the yard sale just showed how much more stuff was in there. so we will just keep working on it a little at a time.

no great revelation

well, tomorrow is the yard sale. i am so ready for it to be over and all the stuff gone. i am going "clean house" style and whatever doesn't sell in the yard sale is going to goodwill or the dump. a true purge of stuff i don't need.

i have started the same process in my life. i am working on cleaning out the junk that doesn't need to be there to make room for things i actually have a use for. this blog is part of that - taking time to do something creative and productive instead of just sitting around watching tv.

anyways, that is all i have for today. no great revelation, just trying to move ahead and do better in my life.

Remember my chains

i was doing my bible reading last night and paul said something in colossians 4:18 that really stopped me in my tracks.

remember my chains

even now i am not sure why it jumped out at me or what it means. maybe paul is asking us to remember the cost of serving God. maybe he is asking for prayer for his situation. i don't know but the statement is strong and for me very thought provoking.

if you have any thoughts on this, please let me know. i will write more about this as i have more time to think about it.

alone with you

at worship practice last night we worked on a new song called "sweep me away" from enter the worship circle. here are some of the lyrics.

You sweep me away to bone-crushing waters
Bury me deep in the arms of the Father
You swallow me whole in the deepest of deeps
I'm alone with You, I'm alone with You

that is definitely a picture of what i need sometimes. bone-crushing waters to break up my hardness. buried deep in His arms to shut out all distractions. swallow me whole so i can give my all to Him. alone with Him so i can be totally open and honest and really work on the parts of me that i keep hidden from everyone.

Lord, break up my hardness, give You everything and tell You all my secrets.

why do we do these things to each other?

i found out late last night that someone apparently got my check card number and used it to make a payment to a collection company. the bank is researching it and hopefully will get it straightened out. it is a stressful and scary thing that someone has my info.

it got me to thinking. how does someone come to the conclusion that it is okay to do something like that? to do something that can really harm someone. i'm not naive. i know that people do bad things and don't seem to have a conscience about it but it is so hard for me to understand.

even as a little kid, i couldn't lie. i broke my mom's antique tea cup after being told not to play with it. after i broke it, i hid it. (not well. i hid it in my mom's drawer. i'm sure she found it.) anyways, she never said anything about it to me. but i couldn't sleep and had to go in the middle of the night, wake her up and tell her about it.

i know. i know. i sound like a goody goody too shoes (is that how you write it?). but i honestly just don't understand the thought process of deliberately doing something like this.

okay. i am done with my boohooing and ranting. just a hard thing to deal with.

forever the same

it is so awesome that Jesus never changes. i have been thinking and talking about making changes and how Jesus is always there even when i am far away. i was cleaning off my desk and came across a poem/song i started writing years ago. here it is.

He is so faithful
On Him will i call
Whenever i stumble
Whenever i fall
I am so weak
His love makes me strong
He gives me hope
A brand new song

He poured out His love
He gave it for free
My pain He took
He cleansed me
My heart it was hard
Of stone it was made
But Jesus was there
His love doesn't fade

thank you Lord for never changing

father's day

i am so thankful for the fathers in my life.

in church today there was a message on father's day of course. and in watching people's reactions to this message just reminded me how blessed i am to have the father i have. a lot of people aren't as blessed as i am with the father in their life.

i have a dad who always there for me, even when we were (and are) in different cities, states, and countries. i have a dad who loves me and always let me know it. i have a dad who is a parent, mentor, friend, and hero. thanks dad for being my dad.

i also have a husband who is an amazing dad to our son. he changes diapers, gets up in the middle of the night even when he has to go to work the next day, plays funny games, reads, and just plain loves to hang out with jesse. he cares about jesse and wants to be the best dad he can be. thanks philip for being a great dad.

here is a little something jesse wrote for his daddy. yes, i know it is incredible how articulate our 15 month old is.

I just love hanging out with my daddy.
One of my favorite times of the day is about 5pm.

I hear the front door open, look over and there is my daddy.

I get so excited to see him I can hardly stand it.

My daddy is teaching me all kinds of things.

Right now we are learning about remotes.

I have learned how to turn the light and fan on in the living room with the remote.

Pretty cool.

I think the thing I love most about my daddy is

that he likes spending time with me as much as I like spending time with him.

Happy Father’s day, Daddy.
Love, Jesse

6/15/08

finally, i have a heavenly Father who watches out for me and loves me even when i am far away from Him. i definitely take Him for granted but He is there the moment i call to Him. how amazing is that. thanks Lord for being my Father.

a few words

my neighbors and i are having a yard sale next week. yard sales are great. i love to go to them and treasure hunt. you can find some amazing things at yard sales.

but i am having one. which means lots of work to get ready. i have a garage full of stuff. my husband will be so glad to have his garage back. i had a booth in an antique store for awhile and so have accumulated so much stuff. it will be great to get rid of all this stuff just taking up space in our garage. not really looking forward to sorting thru all of the stuff but has to be done.

i think i need to do a big sort in my life as well. and just like getting ready for the garage sale, not really looking forward to it. but all the work will be worth it. there is a big pay off in the end. just like i hope there is a big payoff at the end of the yard sale as well. and i never know what i might find when i sort out my garage and my life.

i'm thankful

i am thankful for so many things. but here are a few that i thought of today.

• my husband - for all the little things he does



• my son - for his amazing ability to brighten my darkest day



• rain - i know but i love it



• music - it speaks to me

just a few things that helped me thru the day today.

it's been awhile

yes, it has been awhile since i have written anything. i could make excuses (i'm sooo busy, we've all been sick, i don't have anything to say, etc.). some of these are true and some imagined. basically, i just haven't done it. so today i pledge to write something every day - even if it is just a sentence, a thanks, a complaint, a scream - just something.

this is my awesome family. my best times are times spent with them. they make me a better person, more of who i want to be all the time.

i have really been thinking about a post on my dad's blog - http://www.jimstephensblog.blogspot.com/ - titled "my eyes are dry." you should really check it out. my dad is a pretty cool guy and really wise. i don't think i let him know that enough.

anyways, i have been feeling that way - a little dry. and it is pretty much because of my lack of effort on reaching out to God. why do i do this? i know how much better (is better the right word or is focused the word?) my life is and how much more open to what life has in store for me i am when i am working at my relationship with God. in talking with some friends last night, i realized i want to surround myself with transparent people, real people, but for that to happen i have to be that kind of person. yikes! do i want it that bad? i think i do.

so i have to work on being more real, more honest - and that includes being real and honest with myself. i tend to be a glass half full, look on the bright side of life type person, but to my detriment sometimes. i use my power of bright-side-of-life to avoid unpleasantness and "reality" at times. i just want everything to be good. but often, it is the hard stuff, the unpleasant stuff that brings the most growth and even most joy.

it is time for a hard, honest look at who i am and where God wants me to go. so here i go on this new leg of my life.