i wish....

in a blog a couple weeks ago i wrote about my grandmother and going to see her and introduce her to my son, jesse. yesterday morning she passed away. and i felt a deep sadness. not necessarily that she was gone but a sadness that i never really knew her.

as i have been thinking about her this morning, i wish i had known her. i wish i had had the kind of relationship with her that i could had talked to her about her childhood, her school years, jobs she had, hobbies that she loved. i just wish i could have seen more of her and not just the hard, brusque outside.

i know that parts of her life left her hard and angry. i know that things probably didn't turn out for her like she wished or dreamt them. i know she shut people out to keep from getting hurt again. but i wish i could have or would have tried harder to get inside.

she and i never saw eye to eye. from childhood i felt i never measured up to her standard. even as i got older, we just never could seem to find common ground.

i think we could have enjoyed more time together if we had tried harder. we both loved ceramics and crocheting. i think she liked reading and i know that we both do crosswords - she was great at them.

but it never happened. but i know that i loved her anyway and i know now that she loved me even if she couldn't show it.

so i am sad that we never really got to know each other. i think we might have liked each other.

delores storey 8/17/08