my camping moment

last blog entry i talked about looking forward to my camping moment. i had several but here is one that really touched me.

saturday morning jesse woke up, had his bottle and then got into bed with us. after a bit of playing he fell back asleep. i got to lay beside him and just watch him sleep. i was again overwhelmed by feelings of love and thankfulness. i laid there beside him and prayed for his birth mother, thanking God that she made a decision for the sake of jesse. she made an incredibly hard decision that truly blessed us and changed our lives forever. i prayed that God would work in her life and bring her to Him.

and as i prayed, jesse slept. he has no idea yet how his being here has changed who i am, how i think, and how i pray. he has no idea that he has helped make me something i have always wanted to be - a mom. he has no idea how his being here has changed our whole family and even changed people we don't know and will never meet. but one day we will get to tell him his story.

my moment

this weekend is our annual family camp out. i am so looking forward to it. it will be a great time to spend with family - parents, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, uncle and aunt, cousin and wife, husband and son. lots of us together with lots of uninterrupted time. i love it.

but i am also looking forward to my moment. whenever we go camping there is always a moment of total peace and calm. it might be early in the morning around the campfire. it might be floating on the lake. it might be waking up in the tent with the sounds of camp. it might be after dark with the fire dying down and thoughts running thru my head. i never know when it will be but it always comes.

keep it up

i was reading in james 5 last night and one verse talked about if you were suffering, keep praying for relief and if you had something to be thankful for, keep on praising. i was thinking that a lot of times we think all we need to do is just pray about something once and that is it. i know God hears us that one time but it isn't about the actual words, it is about the relationship.

God wants us to keep praying and asking for different reasons but i think one of them is relationship. He wants us to keep talking to Him, to keep touching base about this area of our life. it is important to us and it is important to Him so He wants to hear about it.

i think it is also about persistence on our part. is it really important to us? is it important enough to keep talking to God about it? how much time are we willing to spend on it?

and of course, patience. we need to remember it is about God's timing. so prayer is a part of actively waiting for what God has for us. we need to do our part. we have to take steps of action to bring things to be and prayer should be the first step. that is the hard one for me. i tend to try and make things happen instead of praying first to see how God wants it to happen.

Lord, help me take the right first step when i am waiting for something. help me to pray and keep on praying.

not much to say today

well, i don't have much to say today. i have had a headache lurking right behind my eyes all day. but it was a great day with jesse. he is such an amazing boy. i love watching him discover new things and new stuff he can do. he loves to walk around holding mommy or daddy's hand. he thinks he is so big. so even on a day when i am dealing with a headache, he makes me smile and make the day great. love you, little man.

don't waste time

jesse and i got back yesterday from visiting family. we stayed with my aunt and uncle and my mom, sister and nephew were there too. then we went to see my grandmother, who lives in an assisted living home. she had never met my son, jesse.

i have never had a great relationship with my grandmother. i always felt she didn't really like me. but i know she had a hard life and any relationship was difficult for her. i feel really sad for her - for all the things she has missed because of how she treated people. she never really let anyone get close.

but when we went to see her this time, she was somewhat different. i know that she is on alot of medication and stuff, but i think it is more than that. i think she is beginning to realize what she has missed out on. she was so glad to see jesse and jude, her great-grandsons. she was happy we were there and when it came time to leave, she didn't want us to go. i'm not sure it would have made any difference but i wish i would have tried harder to have a relationship with her.

it just reminded me not to waste time. relationships are so important to me and i have to work hard to make sure they are what they should be. this includes my relationship with God, my husband, my child, my family, my friends, and the new relationships God brings me.

adoption ministry

today i dropped off 50 baby bottles filled with spare change at adoption ministry. why would i do that and what is adoption ministry you ask?

well, adoption ministry is a YWAM ministry that helps birth mothers and adoptive parents. they are an amazing group of people. they helped us with our adoption of jesse. here is their website if you want to check them out. www.adoptionministry.net

anyways, they do a fundraiser every year from mother's day to father's day and this year our church participated. they give out empty baby bottles and you fill them with your spare change. it is so simple and non-threatening. our church's response really amazed philip and i. our church filled 50 baby bottles. the fundraiser was from mother's day to father's day but almost all the bottles were gone the first sunday and some were back the next sunday. it was great. thanks, federal way vineyard.

it was great to be able to take back all those full baby bottles and know we were helping a ministry that helped us so much and continues to help us and others with adoption.

taa daa!

i had quite a scare today. my son decided to raise my heartbeat a bit.

he was in his crib and was playing with the wipes box that is on the bookcase at the head of his crib as he always does. i left the room for a minute and heard him drop the wipes box, again as he usually does.

but then i heard a bigger bang and then a crying baby. i ran in and jesse was on the floor.

when the wipes box dropped on the floor, he leaned over the bookcase to see where it went and leaned over too far. he fell out of the crib and onto the floor.

i picked him up and he cried for a little bit but within minutes was laughing and ready to play. i have a good friend who told me that babies bounce and jesse proved that today. he doesn't have any bruises or bumps but mommy had the shakes for a little while.

a little more

just a little more about my thought noodle from yesterday. the opportunities. i know that i have many opportunities a day to start or build a relationship. i also know i have many excuses and ways to not start or build a relationship.

one thing that comes to mind is a comment i made to one of my neighbors. we were talking one time and i said something about if i am not in the mood to deal with the world, i leave my living room curtains closed. well, unbeknownst to me, she took this to heart and wouldn't call or come over if they were closed. that really hit me hard. i do close myself off sometimes and i know closed curtains aren't the only weapon in my arsenal. i think i need to start going thru my weapons of closed-offness and get rid of them.

i also know that it will not be an easy process. i know that with the opportunities God gives me for relationships comes the very real possibility of hurt and rejection. so i have to decide if the hope of the relationship making a difference in that person's life (and mine) is worth the risk. it is hard to decide that when you aren't sure what the cost will be. but i know that God will be with me and if i follow His leading, it will have an eternal purpose. and i am willing to do what i need to if there is a purpose and knowledge that some one's life will be changed for the better.

i feel full

my mind is filled to the brim with many thoughts today and i feel full. and i am not sure what to do with most of them. i know they will eventually sort out but right now they just feel like a big bowl of spaghetti - all the noodles tangled together.

one thought noodle i have right now was brought on by a meeting i was at tonight. we were talking about how to reach more people and show them the hope of Jesus. and basically it comes down to being more real, more open to people and opportunities to build relationships with people we never have before. we have to be purposeful with our time, our lives, our hearts. and in being purposeful, we have to realize there will be a cost - a cost in our time, our lives, our hearts. and we have to be willing to pay that price - there is no half way about a relationship. we can't start a relationship and realize it is too expensive and bail.

and it has to be real. it can't be all about the crusade. it has to be about the relationship. it has to be about true caring for people.

can i pay the price? yes. will i be willing to pay the price? i have to be.

home again

we are home again after spending the weekend at my parents. it was a great time. we got to see some old friends and catch up. it was really good.

they adopted their son and so it was neat to be able to talk to them about jesse's adoption and compare stories. there truly is a sense of family and connection when you meet and talk with other people who have adopted.

adoption is such an amazing thing - that someone is willing to give up a child so that child can have a family and a family can be complete. i am so thankful for adoption.

hangin' with family

it has been a great day. i got to spend most of it with my family - which is always great.

but first thing this morning, philip, jesse, and i had breakfast with our birthmother and her parents. i am always a little nervous about this meetings - i am never sure how it is going to go. but God is always faithful and it generally goes smoothly. i am also thankful we have this relationship so jesse will be able to know his story and where he came from.

after breakfast, we came back to my parents and a nap was had by jesse. then my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew came over, jesse woke up and it was time to play.

jesse and jude played in the sandbox and then played in the pool. after that whole family - grandparents, parents, kids, and the dog - all sat in the grass and played, talked, and just hung out. it so amazing. i think i would rather do that than anything else.

i know i have said this before but i am so thankful for my family. i love spending time with them. we are more than family - we are friends.

i'm stylin'

i got my hair colored today. i had never had it done professionally before. but i got some money and gift cards for mother's day to get it done. i had a picture of what i wanted so i showed kenyetta (my hair stylist) and she had some ideas too. we picked a color and off we went. she foiled my hair and colored the rest then under the hair dryer for 20 minutes. off to the sink for a rinse and another product to seal. sit for 10 minutes and wash. then we go back to the chair and just like in all those reality makeover shows, she turns me away from the mirror and starts to cut. she cuts and styles and is taking such care, trying to get everything just right.

then she tells me to close my eyes. i thought she was going to spray it with hair spray but she turns me to the mirror and tells me to open my eyes. it was AMAZING! just what i wanted. now i know why all those women get so emotional when they see themselves for the first time. it was so cool.

i had sat in front of that mirror just a couple of hours earlier looking at myself, thinking how blah and drab i looked. and now i loved it - my hair was bright and vibrant and just a little funky. just what i wanted.

and the time i spent getting it done was so relaxing. i could have dozed off several times. it was so nice to do something for myself like that. even when it came time to pay and it was more than i expected, it didn't bum me out. it's not something i will do every month or anything but it was so nice and rejuvinating. you should try it sometime.

scrapbooking

i love scrapbooking.

it is so much more than just putting some pictures and stickers on some colorful paper. it is a way to capture memories, spend time remembering the moments, and use creativity to make it beautiful and interesting.

i was working on some pages for a scrapbook i gave to our birth mother. and it was so great to look at the pictures of jesse and see how he has grown. it was also a time to be extremely thankful to our birth mother for making the choice to give up jesse for adoption so our family would be blessed with this amazing boy. it was a time to pray for our birth mother - for her life, her future, her relationship with God.

it was a great time for me to just spend some time relaxing and doing something i enjoy. as a mom, sometimes i feel like i have had to put some things on hold that i enjoy because life with a boy about to start walking is pretty full. but just the few hours i spent tonight working on these pages was energizing.

i love scrapbooking.

insomnia

last night was a long night. i know that there are only 24 hours in every single day but when you can't get to sleep, it seems like there are so many more hours than that. but i got my laundry done, played a few games of slingo, and read my book. so time wasn't wasted.

sometimes i know what keeps me awake - running thru the day in my mind, thinking "i should have done this, shouldn't have said that", trying to figure out my day tomorrow, worrying about things i can't do anything about. but last night i just couldn't sleep. what a pain!

so i am hoping that tonight is a different story. i want to sleep well tonight - not alot of dreams, no waking up 2 or 3 times - just a nice, deep sleep and wake up refreshed tomorrow.

sleep well all.

one of those days

well, today was one of those days. you know the ones - nothing is terrible but things just don't fall into place the way they should.

on these days, after it is all over and i get to chill out, i feel like i really have nothing to complain about. i have an amazing husband who loves me, an incredible son who fills my life with so much joy, family who is always there, and a life i have always wanted. i get to be a stay-at-home mom, work a job that is on my schedule, have friends that i get to hang out with, everything.

but in the moments of these days, i do complain, get angry, frustrated, and wonder if i am a good enough wife and mom.

i am so thankful for the support system i have. my husband, family, friends, and most of all, God, who is always there. i just need to stop and take a moment to find Him and those who will help be thru those days. why is it that i always turn to Him last?

Lord, forgive me for being slow to learn that You are always there.

freedom

in my july 4th blog, i wrote about things i was thankful for. freedom was one of the things i listed. i was thinking about that today. as americans we have amazing freedom but as christians we have even more amazing freedom. freedom from sin, depression, anger, addictions, anything that can bind us and keep us from being who God has called us to be. all we have to do is hold on to this freedom.

but to hold on to the freedom, we may have to let go of other things - things that keep us from that freedom. i know i am holding on to things that keep me from all that God has for me - fear, pride, insecurities, sin. i realized that i can't have that freedom cause my hands are full of all this other stuff. so i am going to have let go of all these unuseful, awful things so i can have the incredible gift of freedom that God has for me.

it's worth the effort

i just watched a video my dad sent me. it is truly amazing. please watch this.



sometimes i react like the baseball player. it's out, not worth the effort. but how much more could i accomplish, what would my life be like, what could i do for others if i took the extra effort, time, love? i want to be the ball girl.

fourth of july

here are a few things that fourth of july reminds me to be thankful for.

• freedom
• family
• friends
• fireworks
• veterans - my dad is one and i am so thankful he came home.
• troops fighting for our country today - i pray they come home.
• our country
• our holidays - to remember all that have come before and to celebrate the life we have now.

i am so thankful to live in america and to have the freedoms we have. we take them for granted too much.

break the cycle

Ezekiel 20:18

then i warned their children and told them not to follow in their parent's footsteps, defiling themselves with their idols.

i am truly amazed by my parents the more i learn about where they came from. and when i see who they are now, i thank God they broke the cycle. they did all the hard work for me. they made decisions in their lives that have made my choices and decisions in life easier. they chose to follow God, not the unhealthy patterns in the lives of the people before them. and in doing so, made my life an amazing testimony to the rewards and joys of following God.

Lord, help me never forget or take for granted the battle my parents won for me.

my hidden rooms

Ezekiel 8:8, 12-13
he said to me, "now, son of man, dig into the wall." so i dug into the wall and uncovered a door to a hidden room...then the Lord said to me, "son of man, have you seen the leaders of israel with their idols in dark rooms? they are saying, 'the Lord doesn't see us; He has deserted our land.'" then He added, "come and I will show you greater sins than these."

how many times have i thought that a sin was hidden - no one could see it or find it. i thought it was locked, buried, and boarded up behind a hidden door. but the Lord knows my heart, all my secret hiding places. how many times have i tried to use the distraction tactic - "well, i'll let Him see this sin," but hide the bigger one behind it. it doesn't work, thank God! amazingly, i am comforted by the fact that God see and knows everything. i don't have to hide or scheme because He already knows it. what a freedom to know He knows and is waiting to forgive. no more secret rooms, no more sneaking around. no more wasting my time trying to decide which sin to tell Him about. now i just need to get my mind to follow my heart and quit playing games.

Lord, thank You for knowing me - the good, the bad and the ugly. i want to be a house of open doors and clean rooms. find all my secret passages and hidden doors and come on in. help me clean my house for You.

you're not alone

i have two people in my life who are dealing with physical issues and it is a very emotion thing for them and those who love them. i wish i could do something for them. it is a totally helpless feeling to not be able to fix the problem, give them what they need, or just make it all better.

the one thing i can do is pray for them, because i know that God hears our prayers. i know that He loves them more than i ever could. i know that He feels their pain, sorrow, uncertainty, fear, anger, all the emotions they are experiencing. so i pray - every time they come to mind - i pray.

i heard a song on the radio today and part of the song filled me with hope for them and for me. the words were, "you are not alone." how amazing is that. to know and have the hope that we don't have to go thru life's hard times alone. but that we have someone who is always there and knows exactly what we are feeling and what we need.

so to my friends who are in this hard time - you are not alone. know that God is there and you are in His hands. i love you and am praying for you.